The ancestors gift

We have a certain habit in the western world to romanticize native ancestry a bit. We don't often hear of the ikky stuff we're not comfortable with but I think its a neccessary thing to know, just to keep things grounded. My Maori ancestors were into cannibalism and slaves.....ewwwww, I know, but nevertheless they did have some amazing ideas (none of which was Kai Tangata/manmeat or slavery). One in particular has been essential in my own developing, healing pschye. In complete contrast to their somewhat brutal lifestyle, I consider it to be quite an 'evolving concept' for me. Used in todays world and applied to the self-worth wounds we all know and wish we understood, it heals and helps to bring us past that which holds us back.

It is the concept of the self-universe. Old pre-christian Maori cosmology taught that each person is the center of their own universe. What is starting to work particularly well for me is the understanding that that is the only place I need to be.

As a child, regardless of whether or not we had the most caring parents in the world, we will have come to a point where we came to understand that we were not the centre of our parents universe - that somewhere something else came first. In that moment, our sense of self-worth is first wounded. And even with the most caring parents in the world, we cannot possibly be the centre of every decision at all times, simply because they too are human, with moments of selfishness and fear.

In many cases, the worst things in the world really did come first....and in others it may have been a perception of something coming first such as a new baby or a job. Whatever age we are at, when that happens, will govern how we continue to perceive each situation in our lives that re-illustrates the idea that we are not the centre of our parents universe. People will often go through their lives using the same coping mechanisms that they developed at that very age creating behaviour patterns from then on.

For me, as a miltary brat and the oldest of four, I often felt somwhat out-in-the-cold. Just about every oldest child I have ever met knows the words......'you're the oldest, you can cope' or something to that effect.
There's a special growing sense of invisibility with each child that comes into the family that you just kind of quietly ignore when you're the oldest girl. Isn't sibling placement fun! hehehe....we all have our hangups on that one. And military kids come to understand very early on that things like the career, booze, guns and mates will always come first. The pressies when they come home again for a bit are lovely but watching the next door neighbour go out with her Dad every weekend kinda outlines that perhaps something's lacking a bit in your own family dynamics. So I set about 'helping' without being asked to - even when people didn't want it - especially when they didn't want it cos clearly they needed it! Haha - its probably why oldest girls often have the reputation of being bossy. But it was my way of saying....no, no - you need me - I matter. I continued to behave this way well into my 30s before I recognised the behaviour pattern, what it did and where it came from and why it had to go.

So this is why the self-universe works for me........in my meanderings, I already understand that everything matters. All that lives and breathes matters on a deeply spiritual level. The life giving energy of the larger universe we live in feeds on the experiences we bring it. It takes it into itself and records it for all time and it all grows and creates life.

To know also that I am the centre of my own universe, which is the only place I need to be, changes everything. I no longer feel the need to paint myself into the centre of other people's universes like a child's drawing on a photo. That's a lot more energy I can put elsewhere! Thanks Tipuna/ancestors!

Re: Warrior Women

I was talking to a very dear friend the other day, whose been going through some pretty tough change for some time now. She was talking about a new tattoo that would mark a new way of being for her. And she said something so profound and so ordinarily lost for most women that it set me on a real bender this week.

She said...."I'm not a survivor, I am a warrior."

There's a huge difference to me because to say that you're a survivor implies that you were (and probably still are) a victim. When someone talks about a soldier living through 'the-battle-of-such-and-such', they don't say...."so-and-so is a survivor of the-battle-of-such-and-such'. They say, "so-and-so is a veteran of the-battle-of-such-and-such".  An even if the word 'survived' is used, it's never in the context of the soldier being a victim in the first place. Victims are survivors when they win through their challenges - warriors are veterans.

Now don't get me wrong.....I'm not belittling the efforts of those who call themselves survivors - hell no. Until a week ago - so did I! It's no small feat to get through the garbage life can chuck at a person - life's a funny beast. What I'm saying is that with term survivor, we may not have entirely moved out of the arena of 'victim'. As a veteran of domestic abuse, there is has definitely been a subtle change in my thought patterns when I think of that time in my life. I believe that we can get further still in our healing processes by addressing ourselves as warriors rather than survivors.

A sense of self worth

Self worth.....not self esteem.......very, very different in my book. And it's fascinating to realise that every single case of depression that I have ever come to understand (including my own) has stemmed from a damaged sense of self-worth - the idea of your own preciousness. A damaged sense of self-worth always seems to begin in childhood and the consequences continue to ripple throughout our lives. A question that I have (amongst many of course) is.....are we born with this sense of preciousness intact or is it something we learn (or don't). In other words, do we already have it and it is taken by a death or a callous act.....or is it something that the people around us encourage us to feel & understand?

And the thing that gets on my bal-lee-lees is that even as a rational, reasoning adult, I can't seem to repair it - no matter what epiphanies or emotional techniques I come up with. It's like a spiritual memory just out of my reach. And I understand why some psychology exercises should technically work well to repair this kind of damage but don't - like the one where you get to shout at someone who is 'standing in' for one of the people who were the source of your pain. Maybe the damage is specific the person who caused it and surrogate techniques can't work because of it.

What I know is that I came to believe, as a very young child, that I didn't matter much. I kept it as a core belief all the way through into adulthood and even though I have a loving family of my own - this belief still persists.

However, having said all that - perhaps it's not so strong as it used to be. I have come to understand that every living thing is special to the universe because we are all unique from the moment we are conceived and every experience that we gain - every moment of understanding we achieve - enhances our uniqueness throughout our lives. Yes.......that's kinda cool and I think it definitely helps.

Re: Spiritual con men

My husband taped something for me the other day, and discovering it, I sat down tonight to watch it with keen anticipation. Its a short little piece on some holy man overseas somewhere and as I watch, my illusions of holy men in religions (other than those that I'm familiar with) are rapidly dissolving.

Now I don't need to mention him or where he's from because there are so many of them, just like him, in so many religions and spiritual practices. There they sit, having removed themselves from daily life, daily worries and mortal peril. They sit surrounded in opulent wealth, often wearing some sort of robe denoting poverty and simplicity, with thousands of followers hanging upon their every word. I was reading (about a month ago) about a couple just like it who live in India and charge westerners exorbitant fees to share their 'wisdom'. And don't think for a second that I'm excluding churches here.

To make it worse, the squares and commons that the 'gatherings' of these 'holy creatures' are held in, are usually the everyday home of the poorest of the poor. What's wrong with this picture?

So there I am thinking, you fake person sitting there pretending to be wise and wearing pretend-poor-mans robes. No wonder mankinds sense of spirituality is so up the bo-ay when these con-men and women are the ones telling people what to do and how to be.

Why go back to an abusive partner?

Abusive relationships can happen to anyone......rich, poor, educated, women and yes also men.

I spent nearly 9 years in an abusive relationship. Towards the end of it all (when someone finally found out it was happening) somebody said to me, "Why don't you leave?" and my answer was, "Where am I gonna go?".

It's amazing when you're in that situation how much of a deep hole you think you're in. That there's nowhere to go and no-one to help. And that you're a weak weak person.

But thats not true and there's always someone who can help - you've just gotta reach out. However, having said that - there's a special kind of fear that stops you from doing that. Even when you've got a supportive family and some great friends - often nobody knows for years. And it's the same fear that often drives people back to the abuser - even if they do leave.

Everybody has a picture in their heads of their future and when you consider leaving the abuser - that picture of your future is completely blank and it's the most paralyzing thing in all the world - right next to the whole thing about what happens to you after death (not that that one bothers me anymore). It feels like there's nothing there but a blacker hole than the one you're in. And the bad place you're in...is at least the devil you know. To make it all that much harder to break away from, an abuser spends a great deal of energy from the start making sure you believe that they're all you've got and all you've ever have.

So how the hell does anyone ever get out of it?

You've gotta start by remembering your dreams and what you liked to do before you met this person. You were a living, breathing, dreaming human being before you met them - what makes you think you're not now? And where did you decide that you weren't entitled to be happy? That's a core belief that it's time to throw out. It doesn't serve you or anybody you love.

You've also got to acknowledge that we teach people how to treat us but at the same time we MUST realise that we deal with EVERY situation with whatever emotional tools we have at the time. Everybody does the best they can with what they have to work with - and that's half the trick to beating this - go find some other tools. That's why counselling can be so good because it gives you other 'tools' to work with - different ways to deal with things.

When you do go for counselling if you can, make sure you're talking to somebody who you can connect with. Someone who you feel is 'hearing' you (listening is not quite the same). If you don't connect with your counsellor - get another one and keep trying till you do. Don't struggle through it - that's an old habit you're GOT to change - you HAVE to connect with your counsellor. And if counselling is not available to you - use the help lines.

So anyway....you've sat down and freaked out and you're sitting there saying to yourself.......what the hell am I going to do - as if life was done and there is no more.

Here is what you're gonna do.....rebuild your picture of your future - it can be anything so long as its attainable by you and your abuser is NOT in it. My picture was owning my own restaurant - I was standing in the kitchen doorway, wiping my hands on a teatowel, watching people move between the tables. Never managed it but that doesn't matter - I flipped out, got a tatoo and went to art school instead - but hey!

You start with....."I always wanted to......"

Then you build a plan - like building blocks. And you start with where you've got to be to start your new life and you leave. Stop kidding yourself on how the partner's going to change because by the time they manage it (if they ever do) you'll probably be dead cos that's where that game ends up. Choose life.

Now I was lucky.....I was able to call my parents and move in with them for a wee while even tho it wasn't the best of options (a bit like jumping from one frypan to an older one) - but it was a start away from where I was. I quit my job, took what I could carry and moved to a city 300 km away. Don't be afraid to start again. Make like a hermit crab - if you're gonna have room to grow - you're gonna have to change your shell.

Now if there's no family you can go to, then there's almost always a mate or friend. And don't forget shelters. Not the best but its just a stepping stone to a better life - that's all it ever has to be.

If you build that new future in your head.....and you dedicate yourself to giving yourself the life you deserve (which a happy enriching life - no really it is)....you'll make it.

I know you will.

Good luck - know that you are precious.
Look at beautiful things and be happy.

Incidentally 12 years later.......I'm blissfully married to my soul mate (who I met at art school) and we have a beautiful little daughter whom I thought would never ever happen and plenty of wonderful friends that the ex said I would never have! So there!

What colour is it?

While we're musing on the subject of light, I've always found colour a particularly interesting thing too. When we see something that we call green (for example) it's actually everything but green. We are seeing green because that object is literally rejecting the green spectrum. And we see green because everything else in the white light spectrum has been accepted or absorbed.

I've always thought that that's pretty cool.

Light....Wave or Particle?

Watching a few things on science lately and the whole theory of what light is seems to be a bit up the boo-aye. I'm sure there's other theories out there that I've not an inkling about but here's my take on the subject....

What if I said to you that light is neither a particle or a wave - that when its seen, the experience of light is based solely on the perception of the viewer.

Light is 'created' (in a way) when a collision occurs between two bodies. When the collision occurs a kinetic wave is produced. If that kinetic wave is moving at a certain frequency, the human eye will percieve it as light. When the wave starts to slow down, the human ear can percieve it as sound.

This happens regardless of what those two 'bodies' are. They can be hands or atoms.

And of course some animals don't see or hear the same frequencies that humans do, so naturally they would perceive a kinetic wave in a different fashion.

So there you go.