Now I like to think that I'm hopefully a bit of an evolving soul. I think about how I feel about some things and why. I often try to examine my reactions to things, uncover the source and whether or not it's a valid reaction. I understand that my body is a vessel for me to walk around in - it helps to color my perceptions of my world but it doesn't define me. And I acknowledge that I need to be grateful to my body for its service these many years and amazed that it still has all its fingers and toes intact - no thanks to me. And I like to think that if I actually spot unreasonable social conditioning - I'll think about it.
But this morning, social conditioning snuck up behind me and smacked me round the ears.
Can't say I'm happy about that.
The day had started with a somewhat disjointed flavour - not unsurprising nor unmanageable. The daughter still managed to make it to her kindy by about 10....9 would be better but hey, she's four. I hadn't had any breakfast or caffeine-related substances so my darling husband suggested that he drop me off at a local cafe and I could grab a nice breakfast and read some magazines while he worked on another job. Perfect.
And it was. I walked in, good service straight away and a rather delectable muffin (bacon, brie, rocket & corn) that clearly had my name on it. It was gorgeous too and the coffee was perfect. So I'm sitting there flipping through a magazine feeling perfectly balanced in the world and I just happened to glance over at the next table.
And that's when it struck. BOOM! Instant dislike for a group of perfectly innocent ladies sitting down to their breakfast. Instant jealously. Instant dissatisfaction at myself, my body, society as a whole, doctors who are too posh to listen and the greatest object of insult - my perfect breakfast muffin.
There they were, a group of lovely ladies half my size (and that's the crux of the matter), tucking into the most beautiful (and disgusting) big plate of pancakes - drizzled in maple syrup, covered in passionfruit sauce and topped with sliced bananas and cream. I couldn't believe it. I looked at the few crumbs left on my own plate and felt completely cheated and it worsened when I realised that even if I had the guts to order something like that (which I just wouldn't do in a public place)......it would be eventually spoilt with 'the looks', and the sideways comments and the unsolicited dietary advice from complete strangers.
Why can't I eat like that? I don't know. It wouldn't matter if I could anyway because I have no sense of smell or taste. It would only taste like sugar to me. I don't know why that is either but it makes me very sad. It's been like that for at least a decade and I would love to taste real cheesecake - just a little bit. Or the bacon in my breakfast muffin (its good for texture and the 'idea' that it's delicious but I can't actually tell its there unless I see it). And sometimes I wonder - how much taste difference is there between different cheeses? Or meats? Can you actually tell if you're eating turkey as opposed to chicken? Every time I go to doctor - they give me a nasal spray and say come back in a few weeks. Feckking quacks.
I think I might go have another shot at getting one to actually to do their damn job. Fat prejudice must be killing alot of fat people because all doctors seem interested in doing, if you're more than a foot wide, is test you for diabetes and high cholesterol. Neither of which I've displayed in the many times I've been tested by the way. But hey its only fat people right? When they die we can just put it down to fat - we won't look at the years of yoyo dieting that destroyed their metabolism causing an inability to actually digest or process their food properly, the diet pills that degraded the heart muscle, the artificial sweeteners that were neurotoxins and resulted in lesions and strokes, or the depression or the ...or the... or the....plethora of reasons as to why an obese person really kicked the bucket. People just aren't interested - unless it's happening to them. And fat prejudice must be the last legal prejudice, I guess.
But really none of this is the issue. I feel bitter. I feel cheated. But the truth is I'm doing it to myself. I remember somebody saying years and years ago, 'Another persons opinion of you - is none of your business'. It pissed me off at the time because I really didn't understand it but I think I have a glimmer now....
If you understand that you are the single most important thing in your own spiritual universe, then what someone else does or says in theirs has no bearing on you unless you allow it to. Sometimes it takes a moment to remember these things.
Breathe out. Look at something beautiful. And settle back into your own universe. Excellent.
And that is why blogging is good for me. Ha.
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