Just thought I'd republish this from another blog. I had it listed under dealing with depression but I realise that it applies to so much more and how our fear of change reaches into so many more areas of our psyche......
Understand that you cannot stop being when you change and that change is our very nature - with every breath, heartbeat & thought, we are changing. Know that your future is not black as night, that finding out who you really are is not an unknown journey. You were always you, from the very beginning. Your job now is to uncover YOU and rediscover YOU and explore what the adult YOU loves to do.
So......your new tool is: "I'm an adult now - I can be whatever way I want to be and when I leave my old beliefs behind, I will finally have a chance to be me". The sun is rising before me, its a brand new day and I'm off on an adventure to rediscover ME."
Monday, September 26, 2011
Life and onions
Well.......
Much has come to pass since I last wrote.
I've decided....we're all ogres. Haha....like Shrek.
"Ogres are like onions.....Onions have layers. Ogres have layers."
Turns out our anger has layers too....bitterness is the adult form of anger. We cope with our base anger and hurt with base tools....patterns we learnt in childhood but bitterness is what happens when we grow up, look back and realise the extent of what happened to us. Bitterness creates a judgmental personality. Bitterness wraps us up and justifies every nasty thought, word and action towards those that hurt us anybody that crosses our path at the wrong time. Bitterness blinds us wayyy more effectively than normal anger.
I used to watch the old ladies coming out of the supermarket (when I had to wait for some reason). Looking at the lines on their faces.....the stories of their pasts ingrained on their personalities. How many of them looked soooo bitter with downturned mouths. I remember wondering what could make them that way and hoping it wouldn't happen to me. Now that I'm in my mid-forties, I know what made them that way........it was life.
Youth has a beautiful naievity that I miss terribly. In youth, you believe in everything, so easily. By the time your forties comes around, your heart hasn't just been broken a few times....its been smashed into ground, along with a dash or two of dreams. Most of us have lost babies, homes and loved ones by then. Some of us will have lost all that and a few of us have literally lost eveything - sometimes more than once. In mid-life you have come to understand that life really isn't fair, that those you always thought were there for you - really weren't and can't be. Mid-life is when you wake up to realise that the idea of controlling your world is nothing but an impossible fantasy.
That sounds terrible doesn't it and why would anybody continue to bother....because its not all that shitty - even though some days it feels like it. No life isn't fair but there is an abundance of beauty in amongst the tragedies. There's laughter, cute attacks, friends, best friends, children if your lucky (and they'll just blow you over with sheer incredible-ness), good food, good conversations, pleasure (not neccessarily sex but yes that too), games, good books, sunsets & sunrises, spring, winter, autumn, summer, flowers, buzzy bees, butterflies and many, many beautiful things.
Mid-Life loses its sense of wonder in the world, if bitterness has too much power. But mid-life has a weapon that youth doesn't. Time, focus and observation. We're at a time in our lives, when we've got enough to look back on, enough to summarise with and learn from. By mid-life, we've been watching other people for 20 years - people who are mirrors to ourselves. There's almost a measure of forsight and because of that - there are also epiphanies - moments when we suddenly click and understand something that was holding us back.
Yes.....observation will save you - observation of yourself and those around you. Know thyself - the great healing idiom ingraved upon the temple of Delphi. That and focus - choose to shift your focus from the tragedies to the beautiful moments in between - there are more of them.
Of course....I won't be able to tell you if I'm right for at least another decade....LOL
Much has come to pass since I last wrote.
I've decided....we're all ogres. Haha....like Shrek.
"Ogres are like onions.....Onions have layers. Ogres have layers."
Turns out our anger has layers too....bitterness is the adult form of anger. We cope with our base anger and hurt with base tools....patterns we learnt in childhood but bitterness is what happens when we grow up, look back and realise the extent of what happened to us. Bitterness creates a judgmental personality. Bitterness wraps us up and justifies every nasty thought, word and action towards those that hurt us anybody that crosses our path at the wrong time. Bitterness blinds us wayyy more effectively than normal anger.
I used to watch the old ladies coming out of the supermarket (when I had to wait for some reason). Looking at the lines on their faces.....the stories of their pasts ingrained on their personalities. How many of them looked soooo bitter with downturned mouths. I remember wondering what could make them that way and hoping it wouldn't happen to me. Now that I'm in my mid-forties, I know what made them that way........it was life.
Youth has a beautiful naievity that I miss terribly. In youth, you believe in everything, so easily. By the time your forties comes around, your heart hasn't just been broken a few times....its been smashed into ground, along with a dash or two of dreams. Most of us have lost babies, homes and loved ones by then. Some of us will have lost all that and a few of us have literally lost eveything - sometimes more than once. In mid-life you have come to understand that life really isn't fair, that those you always thought were there for you - really weren't and can't be. Mid-life is when you wake up to realise that the idea of controlling your world is nothing but an impossible fantasy.
That sounds terrible doesn't it and why would anybody continue to bother....because its not all that shitty - even though some days it feels like it. No life isn't fair but there is an abundance of beauty in amongst the tragedies. There's laughter, cute attacks, friends, best friends, children if your lucky (and they'll just blow you over with sheer incredible-ness), good food, good conversations, pleasure (not neccessarily sex but yes that too), games, good books, sunsets & sunrises, spring, winter, autumn, summer, flowers, buzzy bees, butterflies and many, many beautiful things.
Mid-Life loses its sense of wonder in the world, if bitterness has too much power. But mid-life has a weapon that youth doesn't. Time, focus and observation. We're at a time in our lives, when we've got enough to look back on, enough to summarise with and learn from. By mid-life, we've been watching other people for 20 years - people who are mirrors to ourselves. There's almost a measure of forsight and because of that - there are also epiphanies - moments when we suddenly click and understand something that was holding us back.
Yes.....observation will save you - observation of yourself and those around you. Know thyself - the great healing idiom ingraved upon the temple of Delphi. That and focus - choose to shift your focus from the tragedies to the beautiful moments in between - there are more of them.
Of course....I won't be able to tell you if I'm right for at least another decade....LOL
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The gift of a children's movie
Sometimes we find our messages in the most unlikely places - places that, as adults, we wouldn't normally take seriously. Perhaps standing taller than our children (as we are naturally inclined to do having 'grown up'), we tend to miss things presented to us on a simpler scale. Like movies such as KungFu Panda2. My family and I saw it the other day and when I think of that movie...I get a warm glow. I loved the first one but I LOVE the second. Truly a gift of beauty. Why? Because presented throughout the movie were ideas that my adult mind just hasn't been able to get past by thinking rationally.
The main character Po comes to discover that his people were the victims of a murderous campaign against them that was brought about by a prophecy. He finds his way through this emotional minefield, discovering his true heart and inner peace along the way. Throughout the movie is the message.....'Your past doesn't have to define who you are.'
It's such a simple message that I have heard before and even understood but for some reason it never actually got through. It's frustrating when you've actually pinpointed a behaviour and you know it's there. You know when it came into being and the mindset that created it but you can't for the life of you get past it. Something hasn't gelled somewhere and you're still holding onto it. I was discussing this very thing with a beautiful friend of mine who said that sometimes a person can hold onto these things because they have come to believe that that pain defines them. For that person, they have co-existed with their pain for so long that they are to afraid to find out who they could be without that pain.
It sounds a little loopy but perhaps some of these things need to be presented to us at a child's level. It was at a child's age that the damage was done, deliberately or otherwise. In response to the original emotional wounding, we naturally develop a defence mechanism. Once that defence mechanism has been established, we simply stop developing ways to cope with that particular pain. As far as our psyche is concerned, it has a solution. It doesn't take into account that the solution may be just a quick fix and won't continue to work later on. It's like a seed pod that gets harder and harder and eventually the seed inside starts to shrivel and perish because nourishment no longer reaches it and it cannot grow. There are seeds in this world that literally require a bushfire to crack its outer covering. Perhaps we're not so different. Many of us miss our lessons again and again till the lesson comes around so brutal, its a sink or swim situation.
But for once - this time - there's a beautiful way to see and and hear and understand.
The message that made me cry (and still does) came from the Soothsayer.....
So there it is......
Stand up my lovelies and visualise the people who represent your pain.....the people from whom the painful words and actions issued from like flaming arrows through your heart....see them for the human beings they really are....understand that their actions are born of their own pain and their own fears and say to those illusions......
Then step forward to discover with wonder who you really are and who you want to be.
Here and now is where you have the power to do that.
The main character Po comes to discover that his people were the victims of a murderous campaign against them that was brought about by a prophecy. He finds his way through this emotional minefield, discovering his true heart and inner peace along the way. Throughout the movie is the message.....'Your past doesn't have to define who you are.'
It's such a simple message that I have heard before and even understood but for some reason it never actually got through. It's frustrating when you've actually pinpointed a behaviour and you know it's there. You know when it came into being and the mindset that created it but you can't for the life of you get past it. Something hasn't gelled somewhere and you're still holding onto it. I was discussing this very thing with a beautiful friend of mine who said that sometimes a person can hold onto these things because they have come to believe that that pain defines them. For that person, they have co-existed with their pain for so long that they are to afraid to find out who they could be without that pain.
It sounds a little loopy but perhaps some of these things need to be presented to us at a child's level. It was at a child's age that the damage was done, deliberately or otherwise. In response to the original emotional wounding, we naturally develop a defence mechanism. Once that defence mechanism has been established, we simply stop developing ways to cope with that particular pain. As far as our psyche is concerned, it has a solution. It doesn't take into account that the solution may be just a quick fix and won't continue to work later on. It's like a seed pod that gets harder and harder and eventually the seed inside starts to shrivel and perish because nourishment no longer reaches it and it cannot grow. There are seeds in this world that literally require a bushfire to crack its outer covering. Perhaps we're not so different. Many of us miss our lessons again and again till the lesson comes around so brutal, its a sink or swim situation.
But for once - this time - there's a beautiful way to see and and hear and understand.
The message that made me cry (and still does) came from the Soothsayer.....
"Your story may not have had a happy beginning but that doesn't make you who you are - it is the rest of your story - who you choose to be."And another from Po himself......
"You gotta let go of that stuff from the past because it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is what you choose to be now."
So there it is......
Stand up my lovelies and visualise the people who represent your pain.....the people from whom the painful words and actions issued from like flaming arrows through your heart....see them for the human beings they really are....understand that their actions are born of their own pain and their own fears and say to those illusions......
YOU DO NOT DEFINE ME.
Then step forward to discover with wonder who you really are and who you want to be.
Here and now is where you have the power to do that.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Delusions
I am tormented by injustice.....
...by the scores of people killed by drunk drivers and their suffering families who have little or no comeback - whose victim impact statement is censored so as not to upset the killer in court...and by the judges who not only fail to send the killer to jail for more than 3 yrs, but often hand down sentences of home detention for less than 2 years.
...by the 38 NZ children tortured and murdered by their own families in the last five years.
...by the manufacturers putting countless poisons in our food and skin products to save money...and the government that knowingly allows it.
...by the government that allows our babies to be used in drug trials and not only fails to inform parents that the drug only holds an experimental license but starts an advertising campaign implying you're a bad parent if you don't expose your child to that drug.
...by the government who passes laws to protect the investments and trust funds of the MPs while taxing every New Zealander 15% to buy the basic necessities of life.
And that's just in my own backyard.
And I am appalled by the people who continue to spout on about how wonderful the human race is and how what I perceive as the world around me is in reality a reflection of how I really feel about myself. And how whatever happens to people...they must have attracted to themselves.
Could they seriously look a child in the eye, who has lost everything to some petty war over nothing but money and oil and tell them they must have thought their nightmare up and made it happen?
How deluded can people be? Are they blind - do they choose not to see it?
Are they deliberately ignoring the sheer quantity of evil in our world? Which is worse?
And what can we do? I understand that dwelling on these things will make a person ill but I think its wrong to ignore that it happens - it supports it, in my mind. A very dear and wise friend of mine said...that you do what you can but you just have to let the human shit that happens fall away from you. She's right. So for self-preservation and the sanity of my family, I can remember and mourn but I have to look past it and leave things at doing what I can, when I can.
I came across this brilliant quote but I can't remember most of it or who said it....kicking myself for that but never mind. It basically said that if you wanted to change things - to change the world - you had to come up with an alternative that made the current status quo obsolete.
I wonder if thats what religion was intended to do.
...by the scores of people killed by drunk drivers and their suffering families who have little or no comeback - whose victim impact statement is censored so as not to upset the killer in court...and by the judges who not only fail to send the killer to jail for more than 3 yrs, but often hand down sentences of home detention for less than 2 years.
...by the 38 NZ children tortured and murdered by their own families in the last five years.
...by the manufacturers putting countless poisons in our food and skin products to save money...and the government that knowingly allows it.
...by the government that allows our babies to be used in drug trials and not only fails to inform parents that the drug only holds an experimental license but starts an advertising campaign implying you're a bad parent if you don't expose your child to that drug.
...by the government who passes laws to protect the investments and trust funds of the MPs while taxing every New Zealander 15% to buy the basic necessities of life.
And that's just in my own backyard.
And I am appalled by the people who continue to spout on about how wonderful the human race is and how what I perceive as the world around me is in reality a reflection of how I really feel about myself. And how whatever happens to people...they must have attracted to themselves.
Could they seriously look a child in the eye, who has lost everything to some petty war over nothing but money and oil and tell them they must have thought their nightmare up and made it happen?
How deluded can people be? Are they blind - do they choose not to see it?
Are they deliberately ignoring the sheer quantity of evil in our world? Which is worse?
And what can we do? I understand that dwelling on these things will make a person ill but I think its wrong to ignore that it happens - it supports it, in my mind. A very dear and wise friend of mine said...that you do what you can but you just have to let the human shit that happens fall away from you. She's right. So for self-preservation and the sanity of my family, I can remember and mourn but I have to look past it and leave things at doing what I can, when I can.
I came across this brilliant quote but I can't remember most of it or who said it....kicking myself for that but never mind. It basically said that if you wanted to change things - to change the world - you had to come up with an alternative that made the current status quo obsolete.
I wonder if thats what religion was intended to do.
Monday, May 16, 2011
The truth about self....
When we come into contact with another being....they too sit within their own universe. The two may influence each other, simply by their vibrations, but in the end what stays whole and sacrosanct within our personal universe is up to us.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
My take on depression.....
Twice in three days have I been asked about my take on depression. What I think it is and where it comes from - that sort of thing. So I thought I might take a cue from the universe and put this one out there.....
I'm not trained in the ways of the mind in any way - but you'll probably guess that anyway - meh! lol. I know people who are trained but they often seem more screwed up than me so I haven't gone there because I don't know that it helps to do anything much more than avoid what's getting under your own skin.
So anyway...my take....
Everybody has priority circles of importance and they are governed by whatever 'coping' mechanisms we have put in place in our early years. Nobody - and I mean NOBODY - can humanly keep all those souls that matter to them (no matter how much they matter to them) in the number one priority circle all the time. Sometimes circumstance will shift things and the choices left are pretty much the devil and the deep blue sea.
At some point in our childhood, we experienced one of those shifts and we came to know that we weren't in our parents number one priority circle. 'Came to know' - not 'came to understand'. It might have been something simple and innocent like.....'Daddy has to go to work - when the two year old desperately wants them to stay'. Or for the more unfortunate, it could have been something terrible like.....abandonment or a death of a parent or a betrayal. We deal with these moments with whatever tools we have at the time and if you're very young (which you always are) you cannot hope to understand what's going on. That's why many of the coping mechanisms or behaviour patterns that deal with similar situations that remind us of that moment (regardless of whether or not we actually remember it) seem immature and inadequate.
Every time we are reminded thereafter, that we are not in the number one priority circle of those we hold most dearly, it cuts a little deeper because we are still viewing it through our child-mind's eyes - still dealing with it the same way.
If you are unfortunate and it continues to happen to you repeatedly throughout your childhood - it will leave you with a self-worth issue. Eventually you can come to believe that you have little worth. Depression happens when you are reminded of that belief. What we have to do then - is remember that it was never true. That what other people say or do does not have to define us. That we matter - more than we know in many cases. That we can choose to pay attention to the beautiful things in life or the crap. I know what I'd much rather pay attention to.
Understand that everything that lives and breathes is unique to the universe. Everything that lives and breathes has an important place at the very centre of its own personal spiritual universe, regardless of the vessel. And everything that lives and breathes was chosen by the Divine to share all that they have learnt with everything else forever more.
There is no exception to that rule. And nothing ever changes it. No matter what anybody does to you - no matter what is said to you - nothing changes it. It's more constant than taxes.
I'm not trained in the ways of the mind in any way - but you'll probably guess that anyway - meh! lol. I know people who are trained but they often seem more screwed up than me so I haven't gone there because I don't know that it helps to do anything much more than avoid what's getting under your own skin.
So anyway...my take....
Everybody has priority circles of importance and they are governed by whatever 'coping' mechanisms we have put in place in our early years. Nobody - and I mean NOBODY - can humanly keep all those souls that matter to them (no matter how much they matter to them) in the number one priority circle all the time. Sometimes circumstance will shift things and the choices left are pretty much the devil and the deep blue sea.
At some point in our childhood, we experienced one of those shifts and we came to know that we weren't in our parents number one priority circle. 'Came to know' - not 'came to understand'. It might have been something simple and innocent like.....'Daddy has to go to work - when the two year old desperately wants them to stay'. Or for the more unfortunate, it could have been something terrible like.....abandonment or a death of a parent or a betrayal. We deal with these moments with whatever tools we have at the time and if you're very young (which you always are) you cannot hope to understand what's going on. That's why many of the coping mechanisms or behaviour patterns that deal with similar situations that remind us of that moment (regardless of whether or not we actually remember it) seem immature and inadequate.
Every time we are reminded thereafter, that we are not in the number one priority circle of those we hold most dearly, it cuts a little deeper because we are still viewing it through our child-mind's eyes - still dealing with it the same way.
If you are unfortunate and it continues to happen to you repeatedly throughout your childhood - it will leave you with a self-worth issue. Eventually you can come to believe that you have little worth. Depression happens when you are reminded of that belief. What we have to do then - is remember that it was never true. That what other people say or do does not have to define us. That we matter - more than we know in many cases. That we can choose to pay attention to the beautiful things in life or the crap. I know what I'd much rather pay attention to.
Understand that everything that lives and breathes is unique to the universe. Everything that lives and breathes has an important place at the very centre of its own personal spiritual universe, regardless of the vessel. And everything that lives and breathes was chosen by the Divine to share all that they have learnt with everything else forever more.
There is no exception to that rule. And nothing ever changes it. No matter what anybody does to you - no matter what is said to you - nothing changes it. It's more constant than taxes.
Social Conditioning
Now I like to think that I'm hopefully a bit of an evolving soul. I think about how I feel about some things and why. I often try to examine my reactions to things, uncover the source and whether or not it's a valid reaction. I understand that my body is a vessel for me to walk around in - it helps to color my perceptions of my world but it doesn't define me. And I acknowledge that I need to be grateful to my body for its service these many years and amazed that it still has all its fingers and toes intact - no thanks to me. And I like to think that if I actually spot unreasonable social conditioning - I'll think about it.
But this morning, social conditioning snuck up behind me and smacked me round the ears.
Can't say I'm happy about that.
The day had started with a somewhat disjointed flavour - not unsurprising nor unmanageable. The daughter still managed to make it to her kindy by about 10....9 would be better but hey, she's four. I hadn't had any breakfast or caffeine-related substances so my darling husband suggested that he drop me off at a local cafe and I could grab a nice breakfast and read some magazines while he worked on another job. Perfect.
And it was. I walked in, good service straight away and a rather delectable muffin (bacon, brie, rocket & corn) that clearly had my name on it. It was gorgeous too and the coffee was perfect. So I'm sitting there flipping through a magazine feeling perfectly balanced in the world and I just happened to glance over at the next table.
And that's when it struck. BOOM! Instant dislike for a group of perfectly innocent ladies sitting down to their breakfast. Instant jealously. Instant dissatisfaction at myself, my body, society as a whole, doctors who are too posh to listen and the greatest object of insult - my perfect breakfast muffin.
There they were, a group of lovely ladies half my size (and that's the crux of the matter), tucking into the most beautiful (and disgusting) big plate of pancakes - drizzled in maple syrup, covered in passionfruit sauce and topped with sliced bananas and cream. I couldn't believe it. I looked at the few crumbs left on my own plate and felt completely cheated and it worsened when I realised that even if I had the guts to order something like that (which I just wouldn't do in a public place)......it would be eventually spoilt with 'the looks', and the sideways comments and the unsolicited dietary advice from complete strangers.
Why can't I eat like that? I don't know. It wouldn't matter if I could anyway because I have no sense of smell or taste. It would only taste like sugar to me. I don't know why that is either but it makes me very sad. It's been like that for at least a decade and I would love to taste real cheesecake - just a little bit. Or the bacon in my breakfast muffin (its good for texture and the 'idea' that it's delicious but I can't actually tell its there unless I see it). And sometimes I wonder - how much taste difference is there between different cheeses? Or meats? Can you actually tell if you're eating turkey as opposed to chicken? Every time I go to doctor - they give me a nasal spray and say come back in a few weeks. Feckking quacks.
I think I might go have another shot at getting one to actually to do their damn job. Fat prejudice must be killing alot of fat people because all doctors seem interested in doing, if you're more than a foot wide, is test you for diabetes and high cholesterol. Neither of which I've displayed in the many times I've been tested by the way. But hey its only fat people right? When they die we can just put it down to fat - we won't look at the years of yoyo dieting that destroyed their metabolism causing an inability to actually digest or process their food properly, the diet pills that degraded the heart muscle, the artificial sweeteners that were neurotoxins and resulted in lesions and strokes, or the depression or the ...or the... or the....plethora of reasons as to why an obese person really kicked the bucket. People just aren't interested - unless it's happening to them. And fat prejudice must be the last legal prejudice, I guess.
But really none of this is the issue. I feel bitter. I feel cheated. But the truth is I'm doing it to myself. I remember somebody saying years and years ago, 'Another persons opinion of you - is none of your business'. It pissed me off at the time because I really didn't understand it but I think I have a glimmer now....
If you understand that you are the single most important thing in your own spiritual universe, then what someone else does or says in theirs has no bearing on you unless you allow it to. Sometimes it takes a moment to remember these things.
Breathe out. Look at something beautiful. And settle back into your own universe. Excellent.
And that is why blogging is good for me. Ha.
But this morning, social conditioning snuck up behind me and smacked me round the ears.
Can't say I'm happy about that.
The day had started with a somewhat disjointed flavour - not unsurprising nor unmanageable. The daughter still managed to make it to her kindy by about 10....9 would be better but hey, she's four. I hadn't had any breakfast or caffeine-related substances so my darling husband suggested that he drop me off at a local cafe and I could grab a nice breakfast and read some magazines while he worked on another job. Perfect.
And it was. I walked in, good service straight away and a rather delectable muffin (bacon, brie, rocket & corn) that clearly had my name on it. It was gorgeous too and the coffee was perfect. So I'm sitting there flipping through a magazine feeling perfectly balanced in the world and I just happened to glance over at the next table.
And that's when it struck. BOOM! Instant dislike for a group of perfectly innocent ladies sitting down to their breakfast. Instant jealously. Instant dissatisfaction at myself, my body, society as a whole, doctors who are too posh to listen and the greatest object of insult - my perfect breakfast muffin.
There they were, a group of lovely ladies half my size (and that's the crux of the matter), tucking into the most beautiful (and disgusting) big plate of pancakes - drizzled in maple syrup, covered in passionfruit sauce and topped with sliced bananas and cream. I couldn't believe it. I looked at the few crumbs left on my own plate and felt completely cheated and it worsened when I realised that even if I had the guts to order something like that (which I just wouldn't do in a public place)......it would be eventually spoilt with 'the looks', and the sideways comments and the unsolicited dietary advice from complete strangers.
Why can't I eat like that? I don't know. It wouldn't matter if I could anyway because I have no sense of smell or taste. It would only taste like sugar to me. I don't know why that is either but it makes me very sad. It's been like that for at least a decade and I would love to taste real cheesecake - just a little bit. Or the bacon in my breakfast muffin (its good for texture and the 'idea' that it's delicious but I can't actually tell its there unless I see it). And sometimes I wonder - how much taste difference is there between different cheeses? Or meats? Can you actually tell if you're eating turkey as opposed to chicken? Every time I go to doctor - they give me a nasal spray and say come back in a few weeks. Feckking quacks.
I think I might go have another shot at getting one to actually to do their damn job. Fat prejudice must be killing alot of fat people because all doctors seem interested in doing, if you're more than a foot wide, is test you for diabetes and high cholesterol. Neither of which I've displayed in the many times I've been tested by the way. But hey its only fat people right? When they die we can just put it down to fat - we won't look at the years of yoyo dieting that destroyed their metabolism causing an inability to actually digest or process their food properly, the diet pills that degraded the heart muscle, the artificial sweeteners that were neurotoxins and resulted in lesions and strokes, or the depression or the ...or the... or the....plethora of reasons as to why an obese person really kicked the bucket. People just aren't interested - unless it's happening to them. And fat prejudice must be the last legal prejudice, I guess.
But really none of this is the issue. I feel bitter. I feel cheated. But the truth is I'm doing it to myself. I remember somebody saying years and years ago, 'Another persons opinion of you - is none of your business'. It pissed me off at the time because I really didn't understand it but I think I have a glimmer now....
If you understand that you are the single most important thing in your own spiritual universe, then what someone else does or says in theirs has no bearing on you unless you allow it to. Sometimes it takes a moment to remember these things.
Breathe out. Look at something beautiful. And settle back into your own universe. Excellent.
And that is why blogging is good for me. Ha.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Monks in the Snow...
The things you think about at 1 in the morning! Pondering on a few things at a time....that seemed to bring together an idea that whenever its presented (as is has been in the past) tends to produce something almost fearful because it almost borders on madness. Or does it?
I was talking with a friend a couple of nights ago about the banning of home natural remedies and how alarming it was. She made a comment about all the energy forms of healing coming down the spiritual grapevine and maybe thats why so much of it was coming through....
So I'm sitting there thinking away thoughts like - 'could this really work that well? could it actually replace surgery eventually? Then drugs and herbs and the like would not be required at all - would they? etc etc'.... I remembered seeing people on various articles on TV and in the media who had healed themselves when the doctors had said, 'not a chance'. So I start thinking, 'if you can do it by accident - can a person do it deliberately?'
That brought to mind a documentary I saw on Buddhist monks who can deliberately change their body temperature. There was a story about a monk who decided to stay and finish meditating when it began to heavily snow and in his meditation he prevented the snow from settling on him. This attracted a couple of scientists who went scientifically monitored some Tibetan monks while they sat drying wet clothing (that had been draped around their bodies), with their own body heat....and wallaaaa......clear evidence of deliberate use of mind over matter.
Ok, then I'm remembering another friend with his book that details the psychological causes of things, such as diseases and even things like when you repeatedly crush a certain finger. Quite an extraordinary manual and when you hear what the psychological reasons are for something - even though it makes you squirm a little - you generally have to agree.
And, on a slightly different tangent, I start musing over an old Sumerian legend - very close to the story of Adam and Eve. How a god created two people who lived in the garden of the gods and how they ate of a forbidden fruit and were made to leave. The interesting piece for me is the discussion between the gods concerning these two people. It was said that they must be made to leave before they ate of the second tree, the tree of immortality, and then became 'as the gods'. If the eating of the first tree created a psychological awakening into self-awareness, perhaps the second tree would also cause a psychological change....a realisation of how much of our bodies we could actually control. What if the so-called tree of immortality didn't gift immortality persay but gave the awareness that we have more 'power' than we realise. Could the story be a metaphor for the true stages of human spiritual development?
And there it is.....humankind has mulled over this idea for thousands of years. We know that mind over matter is a fact. The question is.....how far could we take it...how much could the human mind really be capable of.....and if people like the Buddhists monks in the snow can do something like deliberately raising their body temperature and slowing their heart rhythms down - why would they stop there? What would stop them from literally telling their bodies not to be sick - not to age? Perhaps somewhere in the world - there are people who have managed that....could it really be possible?
How scary is that?
Just a little light reading on the monks
http://www.openbuddha.com/2004/07/14/scientific-study-of-tibetan-meditation/
I was talking with a friend a couple of nights ago about the banning of home natural remedies and how alarming it was. She made a comment about all the energy forms of healing coming down the spiritual grapevine and maybe thats why so much of it was coming through....
So I'm sitting there thinking away thoughts like - 'could this really work that well? could it actually replace surgery eventually? Then drugs and herbs and the like would not be required at all - would they? etc etc'.... I remembered seeing people on various articles on TV and in the media who had healed themselves when the doctors had said, 'not a chance'. So I start thinking, 'if you can do it by accident - can a person do it deliberately?'
That brought to mind a documentary I saw on Buddhist monks who can deliberately change their body temperature. There was a story about a monk who decided to stay and finish meditating when it began to heavily snow and in his meditation he prevented the snow from settling on him. This attracted a couple of scientists who went scientifically monitored some Tibetan monks while they sat drying wet clothing (that had been draped around their bodies), with their own body heat....and wallaaaa......clear evidence of deliberate use of mind over matter.
Ok, then I'm remembering another friend with his book that details the psychological causes of things, such as diseases and even things like when you repeatedly crush a certain finger. Quite an extraordinary manual and when you hear what the psychological reasons are for something - even though it makes you squirm a little - you generally have to agree.
And, on a slightly different tangent, I start musing over an old Sumerian legend - very close to the story of Adam and Eve. How a god created two people who lived in the garden of the gods and how they ate of a forbidden fruit and were made to leave. The interesting piece for me is the discussion between the gods concerning these two people. It was said that they must be made to leave before they ate of the second tree, the tree of immortality, and then became 'as the gods'. If the eating of the first tree created a psychological awakening into self-awareness, perhaps the second tree would also cause a psychological change....a realisation of how much of our bodies we could actually control. What if the so-called tree of immortality didn't gift immortality persay but gave the awareness that we have more 'power' than we realise. Could the story be a metaphor for the true stages of human spiritual development?
And there it is.....humankind has mulled over this idea for thousands of years. We know that mind over matter is a fact. The question is.....how far could we take it...how much could the human mind really be capable of.....and if people like the Buddhists monks in the snow can do something like deliberately raising their body temperature and slowing their heart rhythms down - why would they stop there? What would stop them from literally telling their bodies not to be sick - not to age? Perhaps somewhere in the world - there are people who have managed that....could it really be possible?
How scary is that?
Just a little light reading on the monks
http://www.openbuddha.com/2004/07/14/scientific-study-of-tibetan-meditation/
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Just Art
I suppose, having told my story and made my peace....it might be time to front up with what I do......
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| This is how I got into art school - pretty funny really, I didn't have a clue what a portfolio was.... |
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| Early drawing, oil pastel on building paper |
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| Goddess Exhibition |
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| Some cards I've been working on |
Art Stories 2
So, where does a crushed artist heart start - how do we get our mojo back? I'm not entirely sure but I have noticed a pattern that bears looking at more closely. Or rather its my behavioral reaction to a perceived situation that interests me.....and I'm calling it 'Social Pottery'.
Here's the pattern.....
....started art school foundation - creativity was very loose and relaxed - chat with other students, drink coffee, listen to music - feels good.
....assessments begin - creativity formalised and structured - deadlines to be met - feels like a chore.
....started art school BFA - creativity was very loose and relaxed - chat with other students, drink coffee, listen to music - feels good.
....assessments begin - creativity formalised and structured - deadlines to be met - feels like a chore.
....finished art school, started with Potters Society - creativity was very loose and relaxed - chat with other artists, drink coffee, listen to music - feels good.
....exhibitions begin - creativity formalised and structured - deadlines to be met - feels like a chore.
....started working at home on anything that sparks my fancy for no reason at all- creativity is very loose and relaxed - drink coffee, listen to music - feels good.
Could it be that every time I see something that I perceive as 'pressure' or 'formal requirement', I respond with fear and shut down. It is said that a creative block is born of fear and thats true but it seems to me that its also enhanced by perception. Regardless of what I do - painting, claywork, patchwork even......if its 'Social Pottery', its ok - it works for me. Maybe thats the difference between a job and a successful career - if its 'Social Pottery' to you, its never a chore. It's soooo simple - for some, its just semantics but for me, its a subtle change in perception that I believe will make all the difference.
I think it may be time to stop reacting to exhibitions or people liking my work as if its a threat. Somebody complimented my work today and I can feel the fear rising in me even now. As if they'd said to me....I want 10 of the same by Xmas. Interesting reaction that - to be fearful of positive feedback. Now that's screwed up.
Here's the pattern.....
....started art school foundation - creativity was very loose and relaxed - chat with other students, drink coffee, listen to music - feels good.
....assessments begin - creativity formalised and structured - deadlines to be met - feels like a chore.
....started art school BFA - creativity was very loose and relaxed - chat with other students, drink coffee, listen to music - feels good.
....assessments begin - creativity formalised and structured - deadlines to be met - feels like a chore.
....finished art school, started with Potters Society - creativity was very loose and relaxed - chat with other artists, drink coffee, listen to music - feels good.
....exhibitions begin - creativity formalised and structured - deadlines to be met - feels like a chore.
....started working at home on anything that sparks my fancy for no reason at all- creativity is very loose and relaxed - drink coffee, listen to music - feels good.
Could it be that every time I see something that I perceive as 'pressure' or 'formal requirement', I respond with fear and shut down. It is said that a creative block is born of fear and thats true but it seems to me that its also enhanced by perception. Regardless of what I do - painting, claywork, patchwork even......if its 'Social Pottery', its ok - it works for me. Maybe thats the difference between a job and a successful career - if its 'Social Pottery' to you, its never a chore. It's soooo simple - for some, its just semantics but for me, its a subtle change in perception that I believe will make all the difference.
I think it may be time to stop reacting to exhibitions or people liking my work as if its a threat. Somebody complimented my work today and I can feel the fear rising in me even now. As if they'd said to me....I want 10 of the same by Xmas. Interesting reaction that - to be fearful of positive feedback. Now that's screwed up.
Art Stories
Okay......I realised a few days back that I have been 'dabbling' in 'art' for 14 years. It's somewhat disconcerting when you suddenly figure out that 14 years has passed without you fully realising it and that you've actually reached that point in your 'age' where you can say stuff like that.....
....'Oh wow, I don't think I've seen that person in 20 years' and the fact that you're actually being literal is very strange, although I do understand that a good 55% of the population have been almost used to it for some time. In a weird way - it's kinda cool. I almost feel a glimmer of wisdom in my future! I guess its explains the grey hair te he he.
But, back to the art.......I went to art school. My family was not the most supportive - I was 30 and busy flipping out a little and they were all terribly practical about one's academic choices, art being the least practical in their view. The first year was a Foundation year because I'd never taken art classes before and I just wanted to see if I could do it basically. It was fantastic! I had passion and it was delicious! Then I went into the BFA program and the first year wasn't too bad....then it went downhill from there. My main tutor was not equipped for the job anymore and definitely hanging in there for retirement - he had a flavor of the year and it was my turn - every year. He was never that fond of me before but I really sparked his ire over an argument over where I wanted my desk to be in my studio space. Not surprisingly, of all the students I started with, there was the only one left to stay in Ceramics to the fourth year. That the one student to make it was me was pretty funny - stubborn to the point of destruction, I guess.
Me.....my state of mind didn't help at all - I was just about as unstable as he was......fresh out of an long term abusive relationship with a service family background to base myself on. Basically he and his buddies spent 3 yrs crushing my spirit as best they could. His mates wouldn't acknowledge me or help me in their classes and assessment time was deliberately intimidating. Ahhhh such memories! When I wrote my first complaint letter, he came down to talk me, which was nice - I guess he wasn't completely evil. He asked me if I knew what it takes to make a pearl......I said a bit of grit.....he said, 'that's right and some artists need a bit of grit'. If he'd taken the time to get to know me, he would have come to discover that I had plenty of my own grit in my bed (to the point where I could barely function) and I wasn't in need of some from him. I remember thinking to myself, 'yea buddy that's true but if you want a good quality pearl, an oyster needs solid support and decent nutrition.' They even tried very hard to fail me at the last assessment of my degree but I fought back and got a re-assessment from outside the art school and, accompanied by a great deal of muttering (and the odd protest letter), the school awarded me my degree in the end.
Hmmm......so that was then. What have I done since then? I have relived it all....every time I've tried to get creative. Like the 6 yr old that overhears a random comment that is not so flattering, I took it all in and kept it all precious as a core belief. How fekking mad. Yes. And I never even figured it out till now.
Two wonderful artists, very gifted and highly respected in their field, spoke up for me at the time - they even made their views known to the local paper. My husband, my friends and my family all supported me. So many people have told me that my work is beautiful and worthy over the years - really wonderful people who I really respect - and it seems like I've never heard them. Like my attention has been so completely held by what one tutor and his cronies had to say. I feel like that kid in the playground who took forever to get up after the bully took his foot of their neck. I've never dared to call myself an artist and every time I've even thought about putting myself out there - the foot comes right back on. I've been laying on that playground for 12 years. How extraordinary.
But there is relief, after all that..........I lifted my head today. And realised that the bully wasn't there anymore. That the kids watching in fear and the other kids backing him up had all gone. That he's grown up, got some therapy and moved to another city. And that if I chose to, I could get up. Just like that.
....'Oh wow, I don't think I've seen that person in 20 years' and the fact that you're actually being literal is very strange, although I do understand that a good 55% of the population have been almost used to it for some time. In a weird way - it's kinda cool. I almost feel a glimmer of wisdom in my future! I guess its explains the grey hair te he he.
But, back to the art.......I went to art school. My family was not the most supportive - I was 30 and busy flipping out a little and they were all terribly practical about one's academic choices, art being the least practical in their view. The first year was a Foundation year because I'd never taken art classes before and I just wanted to see if I could do it basically. It was fantastic! I had passion and it was delicious! Then I went into the BFA program and the first year wasn't too bad....then it went downhill from there. My main tutor was not equipped for the job anymore and definitely hanging in there for retirement - he had a flavor of the year and it was my turn - every year. He was never that fond of me before but I really sparked his ire over an argument over where I wanted my desk to be in my studio space. Not surprisingly, of all the students I started with, there was the only one left to stay in Ceramics to the fourth year. That the one student to make it was me was pretty funny - stubborn to the point of destruction, I guess.
Me.....my state of mind didn't help at all - I was just about as unstable as he was......fresh out of an long term abusive relationship with a service family background to base myself on. Basically he and his buddies spent 3 yrs crushing my spirit as best they could. His mates wouldn't acknowledge me or help me in their classes and assessment time was deliberately intimidating. Ahhhh such memories! When I wrote my first complaint letter, he came down to talk me, which was nice - I guess he wasn't completely evil. He asked me if I knew what it takes to make a pearl......I said a bit of grit.....he said, 'that's right and some artists need a bit of grit'. If he'd taken the time to get to know me, he would have come to discover that I had plenty of my own grit in my bed (to the point where I could barely function) and I wasn't in need of some from him. I remember thinking to myself, 'yea buddy that's true but if you want a good quality pearl, an oyster needs solid support and decent nutrition.' They even tried very hard to fail me at the last assessment of my degree but I fought back and got a re-assessment from outside the art school and, accompanied by a great deal of muttering (and the odd protest letter), the school awarded me my degree in the end.
Hmmm......so that was then. What have I done since then? I have relived it all....every time I've tried to get creative. Like the 6 yr old that overhears a random comment that is not so flattering, I took it all in and kept it all precious as a core belief. How fekking mad. Yes. And I never even figured it out till now.
Two wonderful artists, very gifted and highly respected in their field, spoke up for me at the time - they even made their views known to the local paper. My husband, my friends and my family all supported me. So many people have told me that my work is beautiful and worthy over the years - really wonderful people who I really respect - and it seems like I've never heard them. Like my attention has been so completely held by what one tutor and his cronies had to say. I feel like that kid in the playground who took forever to get up after the bully took his foot of their neck. I've never dared to call myself an artist and every time I've even thought about putting myself out there - the foot comes right back on. I've been laying on that playground for 12 years. How extraordinary.
But there is relief, after all that..........I lifted my head today. And realised that the bully wasn't there anymore. That the kids watching in fear and the other kids backing him up had all gone. That he's grown up, got some therapy and moved to another city. And that if I chose to, I could get up. Just like that.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Change and Fear
Change will naturally scare us because we are in the habit of seeing it as unknown territory.
The truth is that change is the very nature of our being - every thought, every breath, every heartbeat.
It's all change and it happens every second of our existence.
When we remember that...it no longer makes sense to fear it.
The truth is that change is the very nature of our being - every thought, every breath, every heartbeat.
It's all change and it happens every second of our existence.
When we remember that...it no longer makes sense to fear it.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Rewiring the mind
The human pschye is an amazing place but it has a tendency to gravitate toward the negative. How many of us become the criticisims of the people around us. Its so easy to take the ideas that others impose upon us for their own very human reasons and keep them as precious core beliefs. Painful memories are more easily called upon than happy ones. Rather than let things go and release our pain, we tend to hold on to it.....stuffing it down inside ourselves to keep it where we want it. And why would we want it? Why would we work so hard to keep it? Because we have in our minds the idea that the person who caused the pain can be changed - that their attitude towards us can be changed - that one day they will say sorry and they will be the person we hope they will be.
We don't have to give up on them to release that pain. We just have to accept them as they are.....that that's just where they're at and their reasons for being they way they are...are very very human - just as we are who are for the same reasons.
And the truth is.....whether or not they change is irrelevant. If they did turn around and apologise and change and become the person our idealistic label for them tells us they should be.....the chances are we would find some other reason to hold onto that pain. Because we have convinced ourselves we need it. It has become such an integral part of us for so long that we are addicted to it - like cocaine. And just like cocaine - it makes us sick - in body and mind. We must kick it or we can never evolve.
So it is a habit and it is not our natural state of being. When we start to dwell on the negative, when we call up the memories that hurt, when we indulge in the criticisms of others that we know not to be true.....we gotta try to remember to reach for the positive. A happy memory or a mantra to use as a weapon. Eventually it will become instinctive. When that happens we will start to really win.
We don't have to give up on them to release that pain. We just have to accept them as they are.....that that's just where they're at and their reasons for being they way they are...are very very human - just as we are who are for the same reasons.
And the truth is.....whether or not they change is irrelevant. If they did turn around and apologise and change and become the person our idealistic label for them tells us they should be.....the chances are we would find some other reason to hold onto that pain. Because we have convinced ourselves we need it. It has become such an integral part of us for so long that we are addicted to it - like cocaine. And just like cocaine - it makes us sick - in body and mind. We must kick it or we can never evolve.
So it is a habit and it is not our natural state of being. When we start to dwell on the negative, when we call up the memories that hurt, when we indulge in the criticisms of others that we know not to be true.....we gotta try to remember to reach for the positive. A happy memory or a mantra to use as a weapon. Eventually it will become instinctive. When that happens we will start to really win.
How Extraordinary
How extraordinary are the moments of quiet. I often come short of the philosophy, 'Speak little, listen much' but today I didn't - and it was beautiful. There are moments, if you lie quietly in the early morning, when nobody is about and just ponder for a while. Sometimes, if I remember to listen, I can hear the universe and it amazes me.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Sometimes....
Sometimes I come across something that really does get under my skin. These are days when the human race disgusts me and I think about reclassifying myself and denying that I was ever connected. You read about things happening overseas in other countries that are truly wrong. Kids being sold to slavers and the sex-trade by their own parents and much much worse. It deeply saddens me and there's not much to do but take comfort that these things are not happening in my own country.
But now and then.....my illusions are shattered and I discover that evils just as great are being done to the most innocent and vulnerable members of our society - our children. In our own backyard (in our town) on this very day they are debating whether or not to charge a man with murder or manslaughter because he used lethal force on his two-year old nephew. Thats right folks....two. This child was two when this 'creature' roundhouse kicked him in the stomach and split his pancreas. The man that killed that child is a murderer - plain and simple - there is no 'debate' on the issue. What is worse is that this is not an isolated incident and nor is it the worst of what happens either and its happening in NZ on a regular basis. It is happening on a grand scale to children all over the world, from the individual crime against a child to the great political shams created so that some fatcat can roll around in more money or more land or more power. So much terrible suffering by so many so young.
There is a sickness in the human race that must go. It is the lack of respect for life, the lack of respect for anothers right to know the basic necessities of life - food, water, shelter and love. It is the dreadful pretense that we call ourselves human when so many of us have barely a humane bone in our bodies.
But now and then.....my illusions are shattered and I discover that evils just as great are being done to the most innocent and vulnerable members of our society - our children. In our own backyard (in our town) on this very day they are debating whether or not to charge a man with murder or manslaughter because he used lethal force on his two-year old nephew. Thats right folks....two. This child was two when this 'creature' roundhouse kicked him in the stomach and split his pancreas. The man that killed that child is a murderer - plain and simple - there is no 'debate' on the issue. What is worse is that this is not an isolated incident and nor is it the worst of what happens either and its happening in NZ on a regular basis. It is happening on a grand scale to children all over the world, from the individual crime against a child to the great political shams created so that some fatcat can roll around in more money or more land or more power. So much terrible suffering by so many so young.
There is a sickness in the human race that must go. It is the lack of respect for life, the lack of respect for anothers right to know the basic necessities of life - food, water, shelter and love. It is the dreadful pretense that we call ourselves human when so many of us have barely a humane bone in our bodies.
Monday, November 22, 2010
The ancestors gift
We have a certain habit in the western world to romanticize native ancestry a bit. We don't often hear of the ikky stuff we're not comfortable with but I think its a neccessary thing to know, just to keep things grounded. My Maori ancestors were into cannibalism and slaves.....ewwwww, I know, but nevertheless they did have some amazing ideas (none of which was Kai Tangata/manmeat or slavery). One in particular has been essential in my own developing, healing pschye. In complete contrast to their somewhat brutal lifestyle, I consider it to be quite an 'evolving concept' for me. Used in todays world and applied to the self-worth wounds we all know and wish we understood, it heals and helps to bring us past that which holds us back.
It is the concept of the self-universe. Old pre-christian Maori cosmology taught that each person is the center of their own universe. What is starting to work particularly well for me is the understanding that that is the only place I need to be.
As a child, regardless of whether or not we had the most caring parents in the world, we will have come to a point where we came to understand that we were not the centre of our parents universe - that somewhere something else came first. In that moment, our sense of self-worth is first wounded. And even with the most caring parents in the world, we cannot possibly be the centre of every decision at all times, simply because they too are human, with moments of selfishness and fear.
In many cases, the worst things in the world really did come first....and in others it may have been a perception of something coming first such as a new baby or a job. Whatever age we are at, when that happens, will govern how we continue to perceive each situation in our lives that re-illustrates the idea that we are not the centre of our parents universe. People will often go through their lives using the same coping mechanisms that they developed at that very age creating behaviour patterns from then on.
For me, as a miltary brat and the oldest of four, I often felt somwhat out-in-the-cold. Just about every oldest child I have ever met knows the words......'you're the oldest, you can cope' or something to that effect.
There's a special growing sense of invisibility with each child that comes into the family that you just kind of quietly ignore when you're the oldest girl. Isn't sibling placement fun! hehehe....we all have our hangups on that one. And military kids come to understand very early on that things like the career, booze, guns and mates will always come first. The pressies when they come home again for a bit are lovely but watching the next door neighbour go out with her Dad every weekend kinda outlines that perhaps something's lacking a bit in your own family dynamics. So I set about 'helping' without being asked to - even when people didn't want it - especially when they didn't want it cos clearly they needed it! Haha - its probably why oldest girls often have the reputation of being bossy. But it was my way of saying....no, no - you need me - I matter. I continued to behave this way well into my 30s before I recognised the behaviour pattern, what it did and where it came from and why it had to go.
So this is why the self-universe works for me........in my meanderings, I already understand that everything matters. All that lives and breathes matters on a deeply spiritual level. The life giving energy of the larger universe we live in feeds on the experiences we bring it. It takes it into itself and records it for all time and it all grows and creates life.
To know also that I am the centre of my own universe, which is the only place I need to be, changes everything. I no longer feel the need to paint myself into the centre of other people's universes like a child's drawing on a photo. That's a lot more energy I can put elsewhere! Thanks Tipuna/ancestors!
It is the concept of the self-universe. Old pre-christian Maori cosmology taught that each person is the center of their own universe. What is starting to work particularly well for me is the understanding that that is the only place I need to be.
As a child, regardless of whether or not we had the most caring parents in the world, we will have come to a point where we came to understand that we were not the centre of our parents universe - that somewhere something else came first. In that moment, our sense of self-worth is first wounded. And even with the most caring parents in the world, we cannot possibly be the centre of every decision at all times, simply because they too are human, with moments of selfishness and fear.
In many cases, the worst things in the world really did come first....and in others it may have been a perception of something coming first such as a new baby or a job. Whatever age we are at, when that happens, will govern how we continue to perceive each situation in our lives that re-illustrates the idea that we are not the centre of our parents universe. People will often go through their lives using the same coping mechanisms that they developed at that very age creating behaviour patterns from then on.
For me, as a miltary brat and the oldest of four, I often felt somwhat out-in-the-cold. Just about every oldest child I have ever met knows the words......'you're the oldest, you can cope' or something to that effect.
There's a special growing sense of invisibility with each child that comes into the family that you just kind of quietly ignore when you're the oldest girl. Isn't sibling placement fun! hehehe....we all have our hangups on that one. And military kids come to understand very early on that things like the career, booze, guns and mates will always come first. The pressies when they come home again for a bit are lovely but watching the next door neighbour go out with her Dad every weekend kinda outlines that perhaps something's lacking a bit in your own family dynamics. So I set about 'helping' without being asked to - even when people didn't want it - especially when they didn't want it cos clearly they needed it! Haha - its probably why oldest girls often have the reputation of being bossy. But it was my way of saying....no, no - you need me - I matter. I continued to behave this way well into my 30s before I recognised the behaviour pattern, what it did and where it came from and why it had to go.
So this is why the self-universe works for me........in my meanderings, I already understand that everything matters. All that lives and breathes matters on a deeply spiritual level. The life giving energy of the larger universe we live in feeds on the experiences we bring it. It takes it into itself and records it for all time and it all grows and creates life.
To know also that I am the centre of my own universe, which is the only place I need to be, changes everything. I no longer feel the need to paint myself into the centre of other people's universes like a child's drawing on a photo. That's a lot more energy I can put elsewhere! Thanks Tipuna/ancestors!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Re: Warrior Women
I was talking to a very dear friend the other day, whose been going through some pretty tough change for some time now. She was talking about a new tattoo that would mark a new way of being for her. And she said something so profound and so ordinarily lost for most women that it set me on a real bender this week.
She said...."I'm not a survivor, I am a warrior."
There's a huge difference to me because to say that you're a survivor implies that you were (and probably still are) a victim. When someone talks about a soldier living through 'the-battle-of-such-and-such', they don't say...."so-and-so is a survivor of the-battle-of-such-and-such'. They say, "so-and-so is a veteran of the-battle-of-such-and-such". An even if the word 'survived' is used, it's never in the context of the soldier being a victim in the first place. Victims are survivors when they win through their challenges - warriors are veterans.
Now don't get me wrong.....I'm not belittling the efforts of those who call themselves survivors - hell no. Until a week ago - so did I! It's no small feat to get through the garbage life can chuck at a person - life's a funny beast. What I'm saying is that with term survivor, we may not have entirely moved out of the arena of 'victim'. As a veteran of domestic abuse, there is has definitely been a subtle change in my thought patterns when I think of that time in my life. I believe that we can get further still in our healing processes by addressing ourselves as warriors rather than survivors.
She said...."I'm not a survivor, I am a warrior."
There's a huge difference to me because to say that you're a survivor implies that you were (and probably still are) a victim. When someone talks about a soldier living through 'the-battle-of-such-and-such', they don't say...."so-and-so is a survivor of the-battle-of-such-and-such'. They say, "so-and-so is a veteran of the-battle-of-such-and-such". An even if the word 'survived' is used, it's never in the context of the soldier being a victim in the first place. Victims are survivors when they win through their challenges - warriors are veterans.
Now don't get me wrong.....I'm not belittling the efforts of those who call themselves survivors - hell no. Until a week ago - so did I! It's no small feat to get through the garbage life can chuck at a person - life's a funny beast. What I'm saying is that with term survivor, we may not have entirely moved out of the arena of 'victim'. As a veteran of domestic abuse, there is has definitely been a subtle change in my thought patterns when I think of that time in my life. I believe that we can get further still in our healing processes by addressing ourselves as warriors rather than survivors.
Friday, April 16, 2010
A sense of self worth
Self worth.....not self esteem.......very, very different in my book. And it's fascinating to realise that every single case of depression that I have ever come to understand (including my own) has stemmed from a damaged sense of self-worth - the idea of your own preciousness. A damaged sense of self-worth always seems to begin in childhood and the consequences continue to ripple throughout our lives. A question that I have (amongst many of course) is.....are we born with this sense of preciousness intact or is it something we learn (or don't). In other words, do we already have it and it is taken by a death or a callous act.....or is it something that the people around us encourage us to feel & understand?
And the thing that gets on my bal-lee-lees is that even as a rational, reasoning adult, I can't seem to repair it - no matter what epiphanies or emotional techniques I come up with. It's like a spiritual memory just out of my reach. And I understand why some psychology exercises should technically work well to repair this kind of damage but don't - like the one where you get to shout at someone who is 'standing in' for one of the people who were the source of your pain. Maybe the damage is specific the person who caused it and surrogate techniques can't work because of it.
What I know is that I came to believe, as a very young child, that I didn't matter much. I kept it as a core belief all the way through into adulthood and even though I have a loving family of my own - this belief still persists.
However, having said all that - perhaps it's not so strong as it used to be. I have come to understand that every living thing is special to the universe because we are all unique from the moment we are conceived and every experience that we gain - every moment of understanding we achieve - enhances our uniqueness throughout our lives. Yes.......that's kinda cool and I think it definitely helps.
And the thing that gets on my bal-lee-lees is that even as a rational, reasoning adult, I can't seem to repair it - no matter what epiphanies or emotional techniques I come up with. It's like a spiritual memory just out of my reach. And I understand why some psychology exercises should technically work well to repair this kind of damage but don't - like the one where you get to shout at someone who is 'standing in' for one of the people who were the source of your pain. Maybe the damage is specific the person who caused it and surrogate techniques can't work because of it.
What I know is that I came to believe, as a very young child, that I didn't matter much. I kept it as a core belief all the way through into adulthood and even though I have a loving family of my own - this belief still persists.
However, having said all that - perhaps it's not so strong as it used to be. I have come to understand that every living thing is special to the universe because we are all unique from the moment we are conceived and every experience that we gain - every moment of understanding we achieve - enhances our uniqueness throughout our lives. Yes.......that's kinda cool and I think it definitely helps.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Re: Spiritual con men
My husband taped something for me the other day, and discovering it, I sat down tonight to watch it with keen anticipation. Its a short little piece on some holy man overseas somewhere and as I watch, my illusions of holy men in religions (other than those that I'm familiar with) are rapidly dissolving.
Now I don't need to mention him or where he's from because there are so many of them, just like him, in so many religions and spiritual practices. There they sit, having removed themselves from daily life, daily worries and mortal peril. They sit surrounded in opulent wealth, often wearing some sort of robe denoting poverty and simplicity, with thousands of followers hanging upon their every word. I was reading (about a month ago) about a couple just like it who live in India and charge westerners exorbitant fees to share their 'wisdom'. And don't think for a second that I'm excluding churches here.
To make it worse, the squares and commons that the 'gatherings' of these 'holy creatures' are held in, are usually the everyday home of the poorest of the poor. What's wrong with this picture?
So there I am thinking, you fake person sitting there pretending to be wise and wearing pretend-poor-mans robes. No wonder mankinds sense of spirituality is so up the bo-ay when these con-men and women are the ones telling people what to do and how to be.
Now I don't need to mention him or where he's from because there are so many of them, just like him, in so many religions and spiritual practices. There they sit, having removed themselves from daily life, daily worries and mortal peril. They sit surrounded in opulent wealth, often wearing some sort of robe denoting poverty and simplicity, with thousands of followers hanging upon their every word. I was reading (about a month ago) about a couple just like it who live in India and charge westerners exorbitant fees to share their 'wisdom'. And don't think for a second that I'm excluding churches here.
To make it worse, the squares and commons that the 'gatherings' of these 'holy creatures' are held in, are usually the everyday home of the poorest of the poor. What's wrong with this picture?
So there I am thinking, you fake person sitting there pretending to be wise and wearing pretend-poor-mans robes. No wonder mankinds sense of spirituality is so up the bo-ay when these con-men and women are the ones telling people what to do and how to be.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Why go back to an abusive partner?
Abusive relationships can happen to anyone......rich, poor, educated, women and yes also men.
I spent nearly 9 years in an abusive relationship. Towards the end of it all (when someone finally found out it was happening) somebody said to me, "Why don't you leave?" and my answer was, "Where am I gonna go?".
It's amazing when you're in that situation how much of a deep hole you think you're in. That there's nowhere to go and no-one to help. And that you're a weak weak person.
But thats not true and there's always someone who can help - you've just gotta reach out. However, having said that - there's a special kind of fear that stops you from doing that. Even when you've got a supportive family and some great friends - often nobody knows for years. And it's the same fear that often drives people back to the abuser - even if they do leave.
Everybody has a picture in their heads of their future and when you consider leaving the abuser - that picture of your future is completely blank and it's the most paralyzing thing in all the world - right next to the whole thing about what happens to you after death (not that that one bothers me anymore). It feels like there's nothing there but a blacker hole than the one you're in. And the bad place you're in...is at least the devil you know. To make it all that much harder to break away from, an abuser spends a great deal of energy from the start making sure you believe that they're all you've got and all you've ever have.
So how the hell does anyone ever get out of it?
You've gotta start by remembering your dreams and what you liked to do before you met this person. You were a living, breathing, dreaming human being before you met them - what makes you think you're not now? And where did you decide that you weren't entitled to be happy? That's a core belief that it's time to throw out. It doesn't serve you or anybody you love.
You've also got to acknowledge that we teach people how to treat us but at the same time we MUST realise that we deal with EVERY situation with whatever emotional tools we have at the time. Everybody does the best they can with what they have to work with - and that's half the trick to beating this - go find some other tools. That's why counselling can be so good because it gives you other 'tools' to work with - different ways to deal with things.
When you do go for counselling if you can, make sure you're talking to somebody who you can connect with. Someone who you feel is 'hearing' you (listening is not quite the same). If you don't connect with your counsellor - get another one and keep trying till you do. Don't struggle through it - that's an old habit you're GOT to change - you HAVE to connect with your counsellor. And if counselling is not available to you - use the help lines.
So anyway....you've sat down and freaked out and you're sitting there saying to yourself.......what the hell am I going to do - as if life was done and there is no more.
Here is what you're gonna do.....rebuild your picture of your future - it can be anything so long as its attainable by you and your abuser is NOT in it. My picture was owning my own restaurant - I was standing in the kitchen doorway, wiping my hands on a teatowel, watching people move between the tables. Never managed it but that doesn't matter - I flipped out, got a tatoo and went to art school instead - but hey!
You start with....."I always wanted to......"
Then you build a plan - like building blocks. And you start with where you've got to be to start your new life and you leave. Stop kidding yourself on how the partner's going to change because by the time they manage it (if they ever do) you'll probably be dead cos that's where that game ends up. Choose life.
Now I was lucky.....I was able to call my parents and move in with them for a wee while even tho it wasn't the best of options (a bit like jumping from one frypan to an older one) - but it was a start away from where I was. I quit my job, took what I could carry and moved to a city 300 km away. Don't be afraid to start again. Make like a hermit crab - if you're gonna have room to grow - you're gonna have to change your shell.
Now if there's no family you can go to, then there's almost always a mate or friend. And don't forget shelters. Not the best but its just a stepping stone to a better life - that's all it ever has to be.
If you build that new future in your head.....and you dedicate yourself to giving yourself the life you deserve (which a happy enriching life - no really it is)....you'll make it.
I know you will.
Good luck - know that you are precious.
Look at beautiful things and be happy.
Incidentally 12 years later.......I'm blissfully married to my soul mate (who I met at art school) and we have a beautiful little daughter whom I thought would never ever happen and plenty of wonderful friends that the ex said I would never have! So there!
I spent nearly 9 years in an abusive relationship. Towards the end of it all (when someone finally found out it was happening) somebody said to me, "Why don't you leave?" and my answer was, "Where am I gonna go?".
It's amazing when you're in that situation how much of a deep hole you think you're in. That there's nowhere to go and no-one to help. And that you're a weak weak person.
But thats not true and there's always someone who can help - you've just gotta reach out. However, having said that - there's a special kind of fear that stops you from doing that. Even when you've got a supportive family and some great friends - often nobody knows for years. And it's the same fear that often drives people back to the abuser - even if they do leave.
Everybody has a picture in their heads of their future and when you consider leaving the abuser - that picture of your future is completely blank and it's the most paralyzing thing in all the world - right next to the whole thing about what happens to you after death (not that that one bothers me anymore). It feels like there's nothing there but a blacker hole than the one you're in. And the bad place you're in...is at least the devil you know. To make it all that much harder to break away from, an abuser spends a great deal of energy from the start making sure you believe that they're all you've got and all you've ever have.
So how the hell does anyone ever get out of it?
You've gotta start by remembering your dreams and what you liked to do before you met this person. You were a living, breathing, dreaming human being before you met them - what makes you think you're not now? And where did you decide that you weren't entitled to be happy? That's a core belief that it's time to throw out. It doesn't serve you or anybody you love.
You've also got to acknowledge that we teach people how to treat us but at the same time we MUST realise that we deal with EVERY situation with whatever emotional tools we have at the time. Everybody does the best they can with what they have to work with - and that's half the trick to beating this - go find some other tools. That's why counselling can be so good because it gives you other 'tools' to work with - different ways to deal with things.
When you do go for counselling if you can, make sure you're talking to somebody who you can connect with. Someone who you feel is 'hearing' you (listening is not quite the same). If you don't connect with your counsellor - get another one and keep trying till you do. Don't struggle through it - that's an old habit you're GOT to change - you HAVE to connect with your counsellor. And if counselling is not available to you - use the help lines.
So anyway....you've sat down and freaked out and you're sitting there saying to yourself.......what the hell am I going to do - as if life was done and there is no more.
Here is what you're gonna do.....rebuild your picture of your future - it can be anything so long as its attainable by you and your abuser is NOT in it. My picture was owning my own restaurant - I was standing in the kitchen doorway, wiping my hands on a teatowel, watching people move between the tables. Never managed it but that doesn't matter - I flipped out, got a tatoo and went to art school instead - but hey!
You start with....."I always wanted to......"
Then you build a plan - like building blocks. And you start with where you've got to be to start your new life and you leave. Stop kidding yourself on how the partner's going to change because by the time they manage it (if they ever do) you'll probably be dead cos that's where that game ends up. Choose life.
Now I was lucky.....I was able to call my parents and move in with them for a wee while even tho it wasn't the best of options (a bit like jumping from one frypan to an older one) - but it was a start away from where I was. I quit my job, took what I could carry and moved to a city 300 km away. Don't be afraid to start again. Make like a hermit crab - if you're gonna have room to grow - you're gonna have to change your shell.
Now if there's no family you can go to, then there's almost always a mate or friend. And don't forget shelters. Not the best but its just a stepping stone to a better life - that's all it ever has to be.
If you build that new future in your head.....and you dedicate yourself to giving yourself the life you deserve (which a happy enriching life - no really it is)....you'll make it.
I know you will.
Good luck - know that you are precious.
Look at beautiful things and be happy.
Incidentally 12 years later.......I'm blissfully married to my soul mate (who I met at art school) and we have a beautiful little daughter whom I thought would never ever happen and plenty of wonderful friends that the ex said I would never have! So there!
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